“dear me, boy have you fought a hard fight this year. and for that i apologise. i never meant to make it tough for you. you were never fighting against the enemy - you were fighting yourself. i convinced you it was right and that there was something worth fighting for. i apologise for turning your mind against you. i gave you no hope of survival this year apart from the words that you ink onto paper before locking away. apart from the escape of being in someone else’s shoes on stage for an hour or two and even then the joy that once came with such activities disappeared. i’m sorry i let you believe that you weren’t worth that love. you weren’t good enough for that crush you had, you weren’t special enough for familial love and you definitely weren’t normal enough for platonic affection. most of all you were never worth the love that flows from your heart in a never ending stream waiting for someone to push it back so you feel that heartbreak - letting it creep into every crevice, cementing the fact that you were unlovable. i was wrong. i was lost in the darkness that clouded my sight and turned my living days into the same nightmares i saw at night. that took away the joy and light of dreams and replaced them with a void of empty space as the violent thoughts corrupted my nights as well. i am sorry. i say it a lot to others, to the animals and even to the world we live in but i don’t say it to you. i have hurt you. more that anyone else possibly could have. i look back upon this year and i wonder when the hope lighting the way disappeared. the once ignited flame was lost in the shadows and there was no room for it in the self-pity i shrouded you with. dear me, the new year is almost upon and i want to be better for you, help me be better.”
I sit here and tell myself that I gotta move on, that I need to start making myself happy, that you truly don’t matter and that I can be without you. Then I fall asleep and dream of you, wake up in sweats, wake up in tears and it’s like everything I told myself is forgotton.
